


Weird Can Be Good

by faequeentitania



Category: Agents of Cracked, Cracked - Ambiguous Fandom, Cracked.com
Genre: Anal Sex, Boys In Love, Established Relationship, Late at Night, Love, M/M, Michael's Weird Dick, Oral Sex, Self-Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-15
Updated: 2016-09-15
Packaged: 2018-08-15 06:11:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8045362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faequeentitania/pseuds/faequeentitania
Summary: Michael's got a weird dick. It was something Dan learned uncomfortably early in his partnership with the man. He's learned pretty thoroughly how good weird could be, though.





	Weird Can Be Good

**Author's Note:**

> I'm such trash for this series. I apologize for nothing.

When Michael kissed him in that hot air balloon, Dan wasn't sure where things would go from there.

He had hopes, of course he did, but if Michael was anything, it was unreliable and unpredictable. Which he was generally fine with; it was a key aspect of Michael’s personality and the whole reason Dan had been hired at Cracked, but it meant that the dreams he had of getting into a steady, dependable relationship were pretty much shattered.

If that even was what the kiss was the start of. For all Dan knew, he was just another notch on Michael’s bedpost; to be forgotten within a week (possibly literally) as he moved on to new conquests.

To Dan’s great and continual surprise, Michael not only showed no signs of losing interest in him, but was shockingly affectionate and loving on a daily basis.

He was still weird and unpredictable, to be sure, but there was significantly less likeliness of Dan being subjected to physical harm these days... and a dramatic upswing in the amount of sex Dan was having.

Which was something Dan would never, ever complain about. His adult life up to that point had been depressingly void of physical touch, platonic or sexual, so the fact that Michael was quite keen on both was like offering a critically starving man a never-ending buffet.

He couldn't even complain when it was 2am, and Dan was pulled from sleep by Michael rubbing at the front of his boxers; long, clever fingers and warm palm coaxing his dick into hardness.

“Michael,” Dan sighed on a whisper, eyes still closed and body heavy with sleep.

“Wanna bone?” Michael asked without preamble, his hand slipping under the waistband of Dan’s boxers to grip his cock. Dan grunted as Michael’s hand started with slow, leisurely strokes, but quickly built momentum to the perfect speed and pressure to get Dan hard in record time.

“Jesus, Michael,” Dan huffed, opening his eyes blearily and gripping Michael’s bare shoulder. It occurred to him that Michael was already naked.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” Michael smiled, shifting around until he was hovering over him, “Get naked, Dan!”

Dan chuffed out a laugh, fumbling for the hem of his sleep shirt as Michael tugged his underwear down and off.

Heat crept up Dan’s neck as Michael kneed his legs apart with practiced ease.

He was still getting used to this; not only the adjustment of factoring sex into his relationship with Michael, but how easily he seemed to take to having sex with another man. It was something he certainly didn’t expect of himself, and it gave him a bit of an existential crisis if he thought about it too long.

Michael wasted no time, immediately swooping down to take Dan’s dick in his mouth, and Dan shuddered with a groan as Michael took him impossibly deep into his throat.

It was downright criminal, how ridiculously talented Michael was at this.

“Fuck, that’s good,” Dan breathed as Michael’s head began to bob, sucking and rubbing his tongue against Dan’s cock like it was his favorite thing in the world. Maybe it was, actually.

Dan’s fingers tangled in Michael’s hair tightly, giving a little tug here and there that made Michael whimper.

Dan made a disappointed sound when Michael pulled off with an obnoxious slurp, crawling up Dan’s body and meshing their mouths against one another as his hips ground them together slowly.

The first time Dan saw Michael’s dick, he had truly been alarmed; it had taken multiple up-close-and-personal experiences since then to become desensitized to the strange look of it. It was just sort of... weirdly lumpy. Like someone had injected pockets of fat into a bunch of odd places along Michael’s shaft.

At first he had been morbidly intrigued and more than a little unsure about his interactions with Michael’s genitals. After the first time Michael had talked him into allowing Michael to fuck him, however, he realized exactly why people who slept with Michael tended to come back for more. Strange to look at as they may be, those weird lumps and bumps rubbed absolutely perfect inside him; pressing just right to put constant, amazing pressure against Dan’s prostate and send him tailspinning into orgasm embarrassingly fast.

It was a fact that Michael took shameless advantage of, but in the noodle-limbed afterglow Dan could never motivate himself to scold his partner about it.

Dan curled his tongue behind Michael’s upper lip as Michael’s hand fumbled for the bedside drawer. A moment later Dan heard the tell-tale click of a cap being flipped open.

“We should get flavored lube,” Michael said thoughtfully, and Dan gasped as the taller man wasted no time pushing a slick finger inside him, “Ever have a rim job, Daniel?”

Dan nearly choked on his own spit at the question, and flushed an embarrassing shade of red.

“Michael, no,” he squeaked, mortified at the very idea, “Absolutely not.”

“Don’t be boring, Dan,” Michael scoffed, “You’ll love it, you’ll see.”

“I don’t _want_ to see, Michael, do you even realize how unsanitary- _jesus christ!_ ”

Michael chose that moment to push in another long finger, crooking and rubbing hard against Dan’s prostate and stealing his breath.

Michael was grinning that shit-eating grin of his, hovering over Dan and watching him with ravenous attention. Dan almost wanted to clock him for being such a smug bastard.

“Asshole,” he gasped instead, and Michael just thrust his fingers harder.

Dan cried out, twisting one hand into Michael’s hair roughly as his other hand wrapped desperately around his dick.

Quick as a flash Michael yanked his hand away, pinning it up beside his head and pulling his fingers out. Dan barely had time to breathe out a whine of protest before Michael’s cock was taking their place.

Dan gasped and writhed, mindlessly trying to free his trapped hand from Michael’s vice-like grip. It stung, not quite enough lube and his muscles still a little too tight.

“I got ya, Dan, don’t worry,” Michael breathed, eyes bright and laser-locked on Dan as he ground his hips in; not quite thrusts, just steady, slow pushes of his hips that rocked him inside Dan and left him breathless.

Dan’s fingers twisted in Michael’s hair and he panted a laugh as he shook his head, “Reassurances from you don’t really inspire a lot of confidence, Michael.”

“Oh come on,” Michael grinned, “When have I ever let you down, partner?”

“All the time,” Dan scoffed, and Michael retaliated by ducking his head down and biting Dan’s nipple sharply, “Ow!”

“Big talk from a guy who passed out last time,” Michael scoffed, and Dan’s face reddened.

“Shut up, Michael,” he finally murmured, yanking Michael down by the hand he still had buried in his hair and kissing him to shut him up.

He could feel Michael smirking against his lips, and Dan made a concentrated effort to squeeze down hard on Michael’s cock to wipe it off his face.

Michael groaned, hips picking up the pace and it wasn’t long before Michael was pounding into him hard and rough and _so fucking good_.

If Dan had any brain cells still active in his head, he would have thought to let go of Michael’s hair and reach for his cock, which was still being frustratingly ignored; only getting the barest of brushes against Michael’s stomach with each thrust. As it was, he felt like he was going to go mad as each stroke of Michael’s weird, wonderful dick rubbed up inside him just right.

Dan was so close he could taste it, whining and writhing and just needing to _get there, goddammit!_.

Then impossible, wonderful Michael pulled back, grabbing Dan’s hips in both hands and contorting himself to take Dan’s cock in his mouth while his hips continued to thrust, and Dan was done for.

He couldn’t help but cry out as he came, clinging to Michael’s shoulders; arching and shaking as the mixture of Michael’s mouth and his cock wrung his orgasm out of him until there was nothing left to give. He whimpered when Michael finally pulled back, his spent cock sliding out from between Michael’s lips wetly.

Then in a flurry of movement Michael was pulling out and flipping him over, pulling Dan’s hips up until he was on his knees. Dan grunted into the pillow as Michael pushed back in roughly and set a punishing pace, hips slapping against Dan’s ass loudly.

Dan panted and bit into the pillow, over-sensitive and squirming at the relentless press of Michael’s weird, lumpy cock against his sweet spot. What was heavenly before was now starting to ache and overwhelm, and he slid his arms up under the pillow to brace against the wall.

It felt like Dan’s body didn't know what to do; every rub against his abused prostate made his muscles spasm and tighten, which in turn just increased the pressure. It was an intense pleasure loop that made him whimper and jerk pathetically.

“Yeah,” Michael grunted, leaning his head down to mouth at Dan’s shoulder mindlessly. His breath was hot and humid and it sent weird shivers up and down Dan’s spine, “Fuck, that's awesome.”

Dan groaned in answer, and Michael chuckled breathily, “Alright Dan?”

“Oh god, just come already you stupid bastard,” Dan wheezed, shoving back against Michael desperately and crying out at the hard jolt.

“Jesus,” Michael panted in answer, his thrusts suddenly becoming erratic and rough. Dan groaned and whimpered until Michael gasped, grinding in tight and crying out as he finally came.

“Jesus Christ, Dan, fuck,” Michael panted, collapsing against Dan’s back and flattening him to the bed unceremoniously.

Dan grunted at the uncomfortable way his knees were caught in the sheets and his cheek mashed into the pillow, but he felt too weak to push Michael off just yet.

“My god, please talk like that more often,” Michael huffed with a breathy laugh, “That was hot.”

Dan turned his face more fully into the pillow in embarrassment, the tips of his ears going hot, “Shut up, Mike.”

Michael just laughed, finally pulling out and rolling off to the side languidly. Dan gratefully settled more comfortably against the bed with a sigh.

“You’re the best, Dan,” Michael hummed sleepily, rolling onto his side and slinging an arm over Dan’s back, “Just the bee’s knees.”

Dan chortled, turning his head to the side more fully to look at his partner, who appeared half asleep already.

“Love you too, Michael,” Dan murmured, and Michael’s eyes flickered open. He grinned sweetly at Dan, arm tightening around him for a second.

Dan smiled fondly back before allowing himself to close his eyes and drift happily back to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> It was fun deciding exactly what Michael's weird dick was going to look like. Saying, "Fuck it, he's magic, he can contort himself into an unrealistic position because he's a demigod" was a lot of fun to write as well.


End file.
